Introducing the iWife

Keep hitting the refresh button on the App Store webpage, again and again and again. Incessantly and obsessively, especially if you’re accessing it from your iPad or iPhone, because with touch-screen technology, it’s just your index finger that bears the brunt of your obsessive behavior. Your wrist has escaped any impending carpal tunnel syndrome and misfortune. The same, however, cannot be said for your wife, who is fast going to be replaced by a worthy successor – The iWife.

The iWife is everything you dreamt of, didn’t dream of, the thing that your wildest (hopefully in a pleasant way) dreams are made up of, and most importantly the thing that your wife’s nightmares are made up of.

Just when you thought things didn’t get better with the world going touch-screen on you, things get fantastic. You are busy Facebooking, Tweeting and Angry-Birding on your iPhone/iPad, mumbling your way through dinner conversations, grocery shopping and taking out the garbage. You are armed with the constant iPose – head slightly tilted downwards, with a finger hovering above the screen, waiting to make yet another important decision in virtual reality. And that’s when Steve Jobs decides to gift man-kind with the iWife. Yes, an awesome gift for man-kind and a gentle (and well-meant) nudge over the cliff for woman-kind.

Imagine a world when you can press that handy button below on your iPhone and silence or switch-off your nagging wife. Imagine (for once) knowing the exact buttons to touch and ‘turn on’ or ‘off’ your other half. Imagine if the complicated female mind could be ‘synced to perfection’ with your own noble thoughts, using the trusty iTunes. And rearranging her thoughts on the trivial matters of life like hygiene and discipline, would be as easy as rearranging your apps.

Imagine if you could walk into your nearby ‘friendly’ (not on the pocket though, just hospitality wise) Apple store and choose a nice cover for your iWife. Comes in three models – Voluptuous (exclusively for Indian stores), Petite, Medium and customized too, if you have something else in mind. And mind you, no eyebrows defying gravity if you mention vital stats that are bordering on the indecent. All taken with a pinch of good humour and extra charges.

There have been some rumours about being able to customize your iWife cover based on your favourite actress (or actor – dude, we don’t judge). But it’s still in debate owing to cost liabilities and profit margins. Oh, and of course human rights and that sort of thing. As usual, it comes with a nice, lengthy User Agreement contract that you can ‘agree’ to happily, blissfully unaware that you have sold your soul to the Devil, agreed to any future charges of assault on the said celebrity and a few other destructive life choices. You can read news all day long and not be subjected to the famous Black Stare, because hell you are reading the news on your iWife so you are paying attention to your spouse and as well as reading into painful detail on how many wickets were taken in the India-New Zealand match! Score!

Anyone can have multiple iWives. More than three and you get a discount too. Wait for a discount on the accessories, NOT the actual device. Your ‘wives’ will be guaranteed not to fight and bicker with each other. You can Facebook on one, Tweet on the other and watch ‘previously forbidden websites in the household’ on the third. Keep ‘em happy!

What, oh housekeeping services? Well yes. Oh cheer up! Steve Jobs has hinted the next version of iWife promises something along the lines of a Housekeeping Paid app. There is a free app too, a lite version, but that just washes your laundry. It doesn’t iron and fold them. A shame really!
Looks like Apple Inc. will be changing their motto soon from ‘Think Different’ to ‘Think Different, Waaaaaay Different’.

Wonder what the HTC guys are going to come up with now? Any guesses? The HTC Desire – Mistress Version, no doubt. If that doesn’t knock out the iWife, then nothing will!

About Maria Francis: Maria Francis is currently resurrecting her blog from cyber-indifference and day-dreaming about authoring a fiction novel someday. She is either found with her nose buried in a book or on the brink of a new weight-loss regime.